Waide: Awake

Awake

I awoke to find nothing. It really wasn’t a surprise though most days were like this. I had a slight metallic taste in my mouth and my head was pounding. I couldn’t quite remember what I did yesterday or what to day was but I knew that as soon as I got up all things would be come clear. I opened the drapes and yes, it was daytime probably time for me to start getting ready for work. Blind without my glasses I looked out the window and tried to watch the passers by. I wondered where they might be going this day. I didn’t know them but often I liked to put myself inside another’s life. Mine seemed so boring and dreary. I never thought that I would see any type of excitement. But that was before I met her, that was before I met the person that would change my life forever. But I was just a man, I am Waide. 

Encumbered

“Encumbered”

The skies are clear above 

Sun being warm its arms welcome

crows fly overhead eagle eyes piercing

My holes are showing

The Sun shines through them

Naked and ashamed I look for a cloak

One warm and dark

No shadows around its high noon

My fingers twitch I want to go home

A river of slime needs frossing

Where did all the angels go

I only want to borrow a couple of feathers

Their scent is sweet

Fresh bread enter my mind

It’s just a thought unrolling

The crisp breeze grabs my attention

A scream from the background 

Where passions by aging and curious

Wondering about it gatekeeper

Is it a neglected child

The moon pushes against the sun

He wants his time to shine

The flowers don’t want to wither yet

They still hold life inside

If I stopped caring what would happen

Would the soil sleep

would the rain gal

Who makes the day

Am I the blade or the eagle

“Learning”

Your light shines and warms my soul

My heart opens like a blossom in the spring

Spreading my wings I take flight

My journey long and tiring you are with me

As storm clouds approach you are here

Lightning strikes you heal my wounds

Dancing and running you’ve paid me

Rewards deep in the eyes of another

Smiles fill me frowns I kiss away

Through little fingers I see time slip

Strong hands are made by you through me

Sorrow I cannot hold at bay

You have lessons to teach them

With your hand as my spine I move forward

Every second is a sweet drop of rain

Every tear is a stone in the path to freedom

My love for you is the rolling wind

Not held back flowing around each obstacle

Some days sore feet slow my pace

But I know you are still waiting

For my follies I am sorry

A strong will was not wasted on me 

On bended knee I await your hand 

Please don’t give up on me

The Alternative Music Scene Influence: It's Not Too Late

Listen to "It's Not Too Late"

I have always loved music, all of it, really. I know that there are many people out there that say they like everything and when you start to ask they really only like a couple of genres. While I have always liked a variety of music I really got into wanting to play music when "Alternative Rock Music"became big in the 90's. Wether it was Nirvana's pounding drums, the Screaming Trees vocals, the murky bass lines of Alice in Chains or the Guitars of Soundgarden I loved it all. Decoding the lyrics of rage, love or something in between all seemed to be linked to how I was feeling at the time.

"Its Not Too Late" has a lot of the sounds that I came to love in alternative music. Its a love song sorta basically saying "Hey, I know I am a real jerk sometimes and I know you know it and I don't want to be anymore so will you please hang in there while I try to be a better person". Yeah cause what girl can't wait to hang around while her troubled artistic partner tries to figure things out.

Sometimes you just have to walk away and let go to save yourself, but if there is enough there that you can hold on to because the situation isn't too band then hey its worth it. I have met my fair share of interesting ladies that I have tried to hang in there for. Luckily in the end I figured out the hard stuff and have found someone that is willing to deal with my baggage and I theirs.

So this is a glass half full type of song. You can always be negative, its an easy way to go but also a bummer. I am a Christian and I am taught to forgive and forget. To move forward and to love. That doesn't give anyone license to treat anyone terribly but compassion is key as long as it is not taken advantage of. For we are all too precious a gift in life to be taken advantage of.

Romans 12:9

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

1 Peter 4:8

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

The Mazzy Star Influence: This Hurts Too Much

Listen To The Song


I went through a phase where I was a major Mazzy Star fan and every once in a while that influence comes back. I hear it on the song "This Hurts Too Much" in particular.

Writing this song I was going through a bad spell. Whenever I get into fight with someone that I love very much I feel like I have been socked in the stomach really hard. Being a Christian I am told to love God with all my heart and all my soul and to love everyone I meet like I myself. It seems so weird that I could have so much in common with another person. We are just cursing along great then, BOOM, and an argument explodes. This song basically talks about dealing with those difficult feelings. Trying to get to the other side of the argument and heal hurt feelings and get the relationship back on track.

In a world that tells everyone that they can have anything they want their way it can be very hard to compromise over hard times. I am guilty of digging in way too much over something that I am passionate about. Thats why I like my religion because it makes me think about everyone else and encourages humility to make the world a better place. It encourages me to love others and help others even if I don't know them. So especially in close relationships I try to walk outside of my position and try to see things from another's perspective.

I will never sellout my faith. I will never sellout those principles or morals but I find that if I follow direction on how my religion teaches to love I usually come out these difficult times safe and sound and solid.

Some One Trying To Smash My Face In

Someone trying to smash my face in, that's what it seems like sometime. I feel like I have to be on guard at all times. I never know when I will be challenged. Sometimes it is serious sometimes it is not. The tricky thing is that at the times when it seems like something may be a small matter it is actually important. I used to feel that I could go through my days with ease, but I was very naive about how the world works. I would sell off this or that idea or sacrifice something that I believed in for peace's sake not knowing what I was actually surrendering. The fact that I had very little self worth didn't help either. Now though I work very hard to stand up for what I believe in. Am I perfect? No, I still fall on my face just about every week in some manner. I guess that the problem with not being perfect. Now I study and work very hard to decide what I believe is true and right and what I will stand up for. I still have questions but I no longer let them go unanswered.  What good does it to say that I believe in God and follow the teachings of Jesus if I don't admit when I am wrong. What good does it do me to walk and act as if I have no morals. My words are empty and I am a liar. The further I go the more peace I find and with I incur new trials and tribulations I find that they become easier to understand and it becomes easier to make good decisions, but I am still flawed and human. So I get on my knees ask for forgiveness and try to be better than I was yesterday and stand for what is right at all times. Otherwise I risk walking in the desert with no map, not aware of my surroundings, and letting my enemies encircle me as easy prey. For if I pay attention to what I am doing and where I am going then I stay away from trouble and am armed well when it comes time to stand up. I thank you God for having patience with me. Please continue to invest in me for I love you and your son's teachings and wish to become better.

Luke 19: 41 - 44
41	And when he drew near and saw the city he wept over it,
42	saying, "Would that even today you knew the things that make for peace! But now they are hid from your eyes.
43	For the days shall come upon you, when your enemies will cast up a bank about you and surround you, and hem you in on every side,
44	and dash you to the ground, you and your children within you, and they will not leave one stone upon another in you; because you did not know the time of your visitation."

Smack Me In The Face, I Need To Wake Up

Today is so amazing in this country. I can type something here and have it seen almost around the world in less than a day. I can be in the middle of the country surrounded by corn and soybeans and talk to someone on a cell phone across the country. Yet I see people who have a hard time talking to each other face to face or phone to phone or email to email because of fear, doubt, regret, or some other human frailty. 

If I am hungry I can walk down stairs and have a variety of choices. It wasn't that long ago that on the road if I was hungry I could stop at a gas station and get at most a bag of chips or a candy bar. Now I can get a turkey sandwich and a salad, maybe even hot food to eat on the go. Yet we still have people starving around the world. Children dying of hunger because they don't have anything to eat or anyone to give them something to eat. 

The convinces of this world are so many for what some would say a few but none the less we have much to take advantage of and much is taken for granted. I have made it a ritual for me to stop and humble myself. I realize that I am no one special yet I have so much, so many blessings. I am very thankful. I am actively working harder and harder each day to share my knowledge, time, sweat and tears with others to try and make the world a better place. 

I believe in Jesus Christ as the son God. I follow his teachings to the best of my ability for I believe that they have merit. I love God with all my heart and all my soul and love my neighbor the same with all my heart and all my being. I try to do all I can for others because I know that God has done so much for me. 

I try to no longer take for granted all I have and all I am and wake everyday thankful for my blessings and try not to waste them. I encourage you to do the same not for my sake but for yours. For if we all band together and try and make the world a better place and not rely on corrupt governments to fill the void with "programs" to do so the work and results will have so much more meaning and bear much better fruit.

Luke 17: 11 - 19
11	On the way to Jerusalem he was passing along between Sama'ria and Galilee.
12	And as he entered a village, he was met by ten lepers, who stood at a distance
13	and lifted up their voices and said, "Jesus, Master, have mercy on us."
14	When he saw them he said to them, "Go and show yourselves to the priests." And as they went they were cleansed.
15	Then one of them, when he saw that he was healed, turned back, praising God with a loud voice;
16	and he fell on his face at Jesus' feet, giving him thanks. Now he was a Samaritan.
17	Then said Jesus, "Were not ten cleansed? Where are the nine?
18	Was no one found to return and give praise to God except this foreigner?"
19	And he said to him, "Rise and go your way; your faith has made you well."

 

Are You Lost?

For as long as I can remember I always felt like I didn't belong. That I was less than others around me. I was short underweight as a child growing up. I had a hard time in school focusing on lessons so I got bad grades and therefore felt I was stupid, but I always had my faith. As I got older I saw the lessons I learned in church betrayed by those who taught them. I didn't realize that they were people making mistakes. I didn't focus on the messages I focused on the teacher. Therefore I didn't feel like I was welcome or that I belonged in church either. I tried to stay religious and prayed but without attending church I had no backbone no structure to base my faith on and grow. Therefore as I got older I strayed more and more from the path because I was trying to do it on my own. Needless to say I got in a pretty bad place. Almost to the point that I could never return. I was a lost sheep that strayed from the group and the luckily I had a shepard that went looking for me and brought me home.

I found my way back, found a church that welcomed me. I studied and started focusing on the right things. I began to realize that while I may not be a superhero or a rock star I did have value and I did have a place at the table that I deserved. You should never feel like you do not have a place with God. He loves you, he is waiting for you to return or even show up for the first time. No matter what yo have done or are doing now you are welcome. Church and religion is not just for the righteous and proper. God is here for everyone. Jesus came not to help those that were already following Gods law and showing God's love. Jesus came to help and welcome the sinners. He loves everyone equally, so don't feel as though you don't belong or that you are not worthy. The Church is all about love. I have heard so many stories about people who don't want to go to Church because "religious people" have judged them in the past and that they are two faced. That could be but, more likely, they are people that have made mistakes.

Being a christian doesn't make you automatically perfect. It just means you have chosen a way to live your life. You will make mistakes. I do everyday, but when I do I get down on my knees and ask for forgiveness. Just like when one of my children acts out of line. I get upset sure, but as soon as they apologize all is forgiven. I love them and my children will always be welcome in my home no matter what they do or what help they may need. God is the same, he loves you and is waiting for you to come home.

Luke 15: 1 - 10
1	Now the tax collectors and sinners were all drawing near to hear him.
2	And the Pharisees and the scribes murmured, saying, "This man receives sinners and eats with them."
3	So he told them this parable:
4	"What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the wilderness, and go after the one which is lost, until he finds it?
5	And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing.
6	And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, `Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep which was lost.'
7	Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance.
8	"Or what woman, having ten silver coins, if she loses one coin, does not light a lamp and sweep the house and seek diligently until she finds it?
9	And when she has found it, she calls together her friends and neighbors, saying, `Rejoice with me, for I have found the coin which I had lost.'
10	Just so, I tell you, there is joy before the angels of God over one sinner who repents."

Are You On the In or Out?

Its really important to make decisions, okay I know that some of you are giggling and laughing right now. Like, duh, yeah we have to make decisions. The thing is I see so many adults going through life not making decisions, or should I say rather they make half decisions. There seems to be a culture now where people don't want to be wrong and if they are wrong they will defend their position to the hilt even if they know they are wrong.

We are human, and have free will and you know what its okay to make mistakes. Having to say that you were wrong or apologize is not a flaw. Its the proper thing to do. I try so hard anymore that when one of my children make a mistake I do not yell or admonish them. I talk about what they did the decisions that they made and why that was wrong, but you do have to make decisions in life.

Making what I call half decisions in life can be very toxic. A half decision is where you may make a decision but you only half way commit to that decision. That way I guess if it is a bad choice you think you can say, "Oh well I really didn't think that was the thing to do but I was just going along".

If you are going to do something then do it. That's what I tell my self every day. Some may use more colorful language but the statement is true. If you are going to do something then do it. When it comes to being a Christian it can be very hard. You really have to love, I mean really be able to love. If love is not you default position it doesn't mean that you can't be a Christian. It just means that you have to work at it a little harder at it than others maybe. But if you are going to follow Christ then follow him. He doesn't like luke-warm followers.

Love God with all your heart and all your soul not love God when its okay or you think that there is someone in the room that might make fun of you for it or if its inconvenient. Yes you will make mistakes, I make them everyday, and everyday I ask God to forgive me and be patient with me as I try to get better at this Christian thing. The beauty of it is that I don't have to do this. It is a choice. I have been given free will, and I choose to love God and follow Jesus's teachings, but you must be prepared.

If you choose to follow Christ then you will get some opposition. Some people will not understand you choice especially if this is something new or you renew this decision. Family's have had hard times when one of theirs decides to follow Christ and the family is anti-religion. You must always love that is what Christ wants. But when push comes to shove you have to be able to stand your ground. So you have to be willing to "hate" your parents who admonish you and talk bad about Christ and you faith and you decision to follow his teachings. Jesus was killed for what he taught. It amazes me to this day that he was but that was his job. To have his body nailed to a cross and hung up, stabbed, crowned of thorns digging in to his head, people spitting and yelling at him till he died. So if you choose to follow him then you need be prepared for such a reaction as well. You need to be prepared to take up your cross if you are going to follow him. You need to make a decision fully and whole heartedly.

Luke 14: 25 - 33
25	Now great multitudes accompanied him; and he turned and said to them,
26	"If any one comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.
27	Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me, cannot be my disciple.
28	For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it?
29	Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation, and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him,
30	saying, `This man began to build, and was not able to finish.'
31	Or what king, going to encounter another king in war, will not sit down first and take counsel whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand?
32	And if not, while the other is yet a great way off, he sends an embassy and asks terms of peace.
33	So therefore, whoever of you does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple.

Knowing You Have a Home

Unfortunately there have been a couple of times in my life when I felt I had no place to go. For those that do not know me or my story. I have had a wonderful life. I started out on a great path and great teachers but because of my youth, lack of knowledge and bull-headedness I used my free will to walk off the path and basically become a big dumb stupid jerk for a few years. I have since found my way back and a happiness that I have not know for quite some time and I am rather thankful.

During those years I was off the path I found myself in situations where I felt I had no place to go. I felt that I had no home and that was the beginning of the end for those years lost in "stupidity" as I call it. It was a feeling of hopelessness and emptiness. I never want to feel that feeling again. Being a christian I always feel that I have a home. I take my religion with me wherever I go. If I am lost, have a question or just need someone to talk to I pray. I find my way, my questions get answered though maybe not in the ways that I want and I feel consoled. For those that are new to the faith or haven't entered yet I understand the doubt in my statement. Even myself who was raised in the church and had a strong faith and when to church regularly for years doubted a life with prayer when I felt I had no place to go. My mother even told me to my face that I should pray. I can laugh at myself now for the sour look that I am sure was on my face and doubt that praying would do anything good. I can laugh at myself for I should have known better, but yes prayer does work. You might not like the answers you get but it does work. You have to remember that God is not a Genie. He doesn't just grant wishes. Can he do miracles, yes and I have seen some for sure, but just like I don't give my children candy whenever they ask for it for their own health, sometimes God as our father has to say no sometimes too. I realize that no matter how hard I try I will have a very miro look on life. And with God's view of the macro and his wisdom, sometimes it is best for me not to just get what I want.

None the less I have a home, a place to go in time of need. Sometimes the harder part is finding a church that feels comfortable. That was difficult for me. I finally found a church that feels like home, and I welcome anyone that wishes to join me and my family if they are looking for a place to go. If you already have a church you call home that is awesome! I am so happy for you but don't forget to share. I know that it can be very awkward inviting someone to church. Many believe that you should never talk about religion or politics which is sad because maybe if more lay people talked of such things the world is a better place. If you have a church you call home you should not be afraid to invite others to come with you. For you never know if some of the people you see everyday are lost and alone. If they have that empty place inside that has just the right shape that God can fit into. I have been taught by Jesus that I am to love God with all my might and all my soul and that I should love everyone that I meet as I wish that they would love me.

If you are someone lost and alone you should really try church. Feel free to ask people you know if they go to church and where. Its a lot easier to go somewhere new if you already know some of the people there. However don't be afraid of just blindly walking into a church and attending a service. It can be a rather awesome experience. I have done it myself a time or two and had a pretty good time. Over all Christians who follow their teachings are good people. You might get an odd look but that is usually due to the fact that we are always used to seeing the same people week in and week out. Its not meant to make you feel uncomfortable.

Christians are to live to love and accept and to not judge. If you do find judgement then I am sorry. Please keep in mind that as humans God gave us free will and sometimes we make mistakes. Yes, Christians make mistakes. Christians are not perfect but we are trying to be better than we were yesterday with God's help and Jesus's teachings.

So maybe it is time for you to try something new, but please know that you are never ever alone.

John 6: 37 - 40
37	All that the Father gives me will come to me; and him who comes to me I will not cast out.
38	For I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will, but the will of him who sent me;
39	and this is the will of him who sent me, that I should lose nothing of all that he has given me, but raise it up at the last day.
40	For this is the will of my Father, that every one who sees the Son and believes in him should have eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day."

What's Love Got To Do With It?

John Lennon penned ,"All you need is love". I believe that to be true but I also think that it is more important to give love. I can't count how many times I have diffused a possible hostile situation by staying cool and keeping a warm smile on my face and spoke warm words. So maybe all you need is love but like my mother so aptly taught me it is also better to give than receive and so there for if I want love then I need to put as much of it out there in the world. I find as I grow older more and more of the teachings I learned as a child come from a teacher that taught nearly 2000 years ago. During my years walking off the path and trying to find my own way on my own because I was a "grown up" and thought that I knew it all and could find out on my own what I didn't I seemed to keep coming back to the same place.

For me when I look at the world and see how well it works together. We breathe carbon dioxide which the plant breathe in and release oxygen. How bees and flowers work together to eat survive and decorate the earth, how squirrels and trees have a symbiance together I cant help think that a lot of good planning went into this earth. I work in a factory where we take soybeans and make hundreds of products out of them. Looking at the machinery that it takes and the infrastructure that it takes to distribute those products confirms to me that with no other species doing such a thing on this planet that we are truly chosen to be the planets caretaker and should respect our standing in this biosphere.

Most importantly we should take care of each other. We should help the less fortunate, because as I learned from my mother I will never know when I will be the person down and out and need help. Some call that making good karma. I dunno, for me it is called being a good Christian. As I got older and got back on the path that Christianity has paved I dove into the gospels. I read about how Jesus came. Listened and taught, healed and fed. Most of all I remember over and over again his major there, mercy. While we had been given the 10 Commandments he boiled it down even further. Love God with all your might and all your soul, and love each other as you wished to be loved.

I am not a rich man. I have a growing family and though while hard I find the happiness and joy in teaching my children to love, and spread love. To help those in need for if we do that over and over again it will catch on. It will get "paid forward", and the world can become a better place. So I guess I leave challenging you as I challenge myself every day. To love, listen, not judge but teach and share. Will I be a millionaire? No, but I would rather do my part to make the world a better place. It's like giving a gift everyday waiting to see the look on the receivers face of joy.

Luke 14: 12 - 14
12	He said also to the man who had invited him, "When you give a dinner or a banquet, do not invite your friends or your brothers or your kinsmen or rich neighbors, lest they also invite you in return, and you be repaid.
13	But when you give a feast, invite the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind,
14	and you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you. You will be repaid at the resurrection of the just."

Being Ready

I am not always ready. It took me a bit of time to figure out growing up that being ready and on time was important. Or rather, learning the importance of those values took some time. Now that I know being ready and on time is important it is still a challenge with my lovely 4 month old, 4 soon-to-be 5 yr old and the learning-the-importance-of-looking-good-and-smelling-good 11yr old.

However something somewhat new to me is the fact of being ready for the unknown. Being ready for tragedy small or large and then ready on how to deal with it. I pray everyday and ask for safety and security and to have the wisdom to make wise and righteous choices. I thank for what I have and even for the blessings that I have and are unaware of.

Prayers are always answered, I know that there may be some out there that disagree. Some may ask for things in prayer and not receive what they want. That doesn't mean that their prayer hasn't been answered. Yes is an answer and No is an answer. I find that I have to be prepared for both outcomes in my praying life. There have been times in my life when I have gotten down on my knees and begged for things and have not had them given to me. In times like these when I am left wandering in my wondering I reflect on my children. Since I am a child of god I think of how I treat my own children. That in of itself can be a very good learning experience on how to be a good parent. But more over, do I respond like my 4yr old when he asks for endless hours of video games? Do I throw myself on the floor wailing like the end of the world has come. Or do I act patient ready to learn what is in store. What is there to be had in the absence of what I wanted. Some say when one door closes another opens. That is so true.

So anymore when something unpleasant happens or I fear something unpleasant happens I do not pray for it so much to go away but I pray for guidance through it and keep my eyes open to see what new thing I may meet or see or learn. For while my life may seem rather large at times I must remember that being part of a world called earth it is actually small, and that it is important to see the macro view of the world rather than focusing on the micro world that is me and my experiences. Its sort of like a jigsaw puzzle that God is making. My small piece may have odd ugly edges which by itself does not look beautiful at all but by accepting what God sets before and acting in a proper way my small piece of a life can be placed into a puzzle that makes a beautiful scene that God is creating.

John 11: 17 - 27
17	Now when Jesus came, he found that Laz'arus had already been in the tomb four days.
18	Bethany was near Jerusalem, about two miles off,
19	and many of the Jews had come to Martha and Mary to console them concerning their brother.
20	When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went and met him, while Mary sat in the house.
21	Martha said to Jesus, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.
22	And even now I know that whatever you ask from God, God will give you."
23	Jesus said to her, "Your brother will rise again."
24	Martha said to him, "I know that he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day."
25	Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live,
26	and whoever lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?"
27	She said to him, "Yes, Lord; I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, he who is coming into the world."