A Story, An Autumn Beginning

It was a beautiful autumn day. The leaves were beginning to turn colors, the sky was a clear majestic blue, there was a slight crisp in the air and you could tell that the earth was preparing for a long winters nap. Mother nature was beginning to slow down, but yet still had one or two more turns around the dance floor before her winter slumber. A young man pulled into the parking lot of his apartment building, positioned  his car and stepped out. Looking up to the sky the autumn sun warmed his face and for a mere moment everything seemed OK. Walking towards the entrance of the building his heart began to sink.  It was as if with each step his heart hung lower and lower. Halfway to the door his hands begin to twitch a little.  To disguise this nervousness he began rubbing his face as if he was questioning himself if he had shaved that day. Approaching the cement steps that lead to the door his heart began to pound harder and harder. As he placed his left foot on the first step his stomach began to churn. With his right foot on the second step his eyes began to look around as if he was looking for escape. With his left foot on the landing he wanted to run. He wanted to run through that door up the stairs and quickly into his apartment. Feeling of a heavy weight came over his entire body.  It was as almost as if it felt like he was going to be sucked up by the earth from the weight that he felt. Opening the door he walked inside and stared at his mailbox. Dare he touch it, dare he look? So nervous and anxious he just wanted the whole world to melt away. Fumbling with his keys he finally open the mailbox. It was crammed full, as if it could not except another piece of mail. Refusing to look at any of the labels he merely wadded up all the mail in his two hands and proceeded to his door. He unlocked the door, went inside and threw all the mail on the table immediately to the right of the entrance of his apartment. He did not turn around.  He refused to look at it. He had done his part for the day. He went over to his couch, sat down and turned on the television slowly his body began to calm. 

It was Monday, the only day he would allow himself to retrieve his mail. Opening the mailbox and seeing what was inside was just too stressful for him to do it every single day. The young man got up and got something to eat and after having a bit of lunch gathered together his courage. Pausing for a moment he thought about what he might incur and then started flipping through the mail. At first it seemed like it was going to be a pretty good day most of the mail was just junk, but then he began to see what was in store, first 1, 2, then 3, 4 notices from the bank. His heart sunk, he began to sweat, his legs got weak and he felt like he might fall to the floor. He didn't need to open all of them he just opened the last one. His eyes opened wide as he saw the amount of money he owed. As of late, life seemed long and hard and with no hope. Friday would be payday and at least he would make enough money to cover the debt. He might even have enough left over to cover the alcohol and cigarettes he would need to make it through the weekend. Emotionally he felt as if he had just run a marathon. Exhausted he walked over to his couch and laid down and fell asleep. 

Things had been this way for most of the last year. It was a long time in the making, the young man's life had been slowly disintegrating. There were many an evening where he would spend moments thinking about where he would end up, but as soon as the fear overcame him he would look for a distraction rather than face the cold hard truth. Most nights he would come home from work to empty home void of love. He would drink alcohol until he was too tired to watch any more television and sleep on his couch till it was time to goto work again. Night after night the screen flashed empty stories of pretend characters that the young man longed for. He longed for a life that was full of love and hope. He would stare vacantly at the screen while his thoughts ran wild in his mind, though once he started to think about how to put thoughts into action he was clueless. He felt stuck and helpless. There was no way that he could ever crawl out alive from his current life situation alone. His dreams would nosedive as his hopes plummeted, and again his drink would rise to his lips.

Laying there with his eyes wide open his alarm would beep. For a moment he hoped that work would call and tell him some story of why he didn't have to come in, but it didn't. Rising up he pulled himself together. As he walked out of his apartment he glanced down at the mail he had opened earlier. It was over for now, it was time for him to head back out into the real world. The door shut like a prison door behind him. The room sat still as if it were frozen in time. The sunlight slowly passed the blinds in front of the window till it was no longer existent. A few hours after sunset the doorknob began to giggle. The knob slowly turned and the young man entered the apartment again. Shuffling like a zombie, he walked into the bedroom, he disrobed and put on some more comfortable clothing. Back to the kitchen area the young man grabbed a beer out of the fridge, pausing for a moment he then grabbed two. The first drink always went down so fast. Back on his couch he fired up the television, opened his beer and lit a cigarette. 

He tried to watch TV but the show was just too happy. It reminded him of how utterly lost he was. As he held his forehead he began rewinding the last few years. He was searching his past. He was trying to remember the last time that he was truly happy. Halfway through a drag on his cigarette it dawned on him. He stopped inhaling and the smoke began to roll out of his mouth and across his face. Whether it was the memory or the smoke, his eyes began to well up. Tears began to roll down his face until they reached the middle of his chin. There they dripped and began to wet the carpet below. Putting out his cigarette he then rubbed his eyes, bloodshot he couldn't stop crying. His thoughts had drifted all the way back to high school. He remembered a time when he felt optimistic and free. Most importantly though he remembered how he had felt so peaceful. What was so different? What was so different about his life back then compared to now? He didn't have a great job. He didn't have a lot of friends. His family was the same then as it was now. 

Then it dawned on him, and his head sunk even lower.

The difference was that in his youth he believed in and followed more than himself. His life was not about chasing momentary pleasures as it did now. When he was younger he had faith. He believed in God. His life was about more than just himself. He was dedicated to a life of loving, not just God, but everyone he met. In contrast his now was all about himself. It was about feeding each and every desire that he had. He used anyone he could to get what he wanted. Sure there were people that he cared about, but he cared about himself most of all. He was wrong. Deep down he knew that he was wrong and that was why he was so cold and alone. The more he tried to fill himself with pleasure the more empty he felt. The young man wanted more. He wanted to feel free. He wanted to feel loved, more importantly he wanted to love. He knew what he had to do, but he was scared. 

"No", he thought, "It's too impossible. I have done too much. I have sinned too much. There is no way I could turn around now. God would never take me back."

He thought again about those beautiful teen years. Life wasn't perfect but it was filled with so much hope and love. As he opened his eyes he looked around. The life he was a part of now was too intimidating, it was too big of a mess. There was no way he could turn that all back around. Who was he after all? Feeling defeated a whisper flickered in the back of his conscience, so small but so clear. 

"I can help you", it whispered. 
Initial hope was quickly drowned out by male pride, "I don't need any help", he thought, "I got myself into this mess I can get myself out."

"I love you", the voice whispered.

The man's eyes welled up again. He gave up on trying to hold back the tears. The words were those that he had longed for some time to hear. Sobbing he put his face in his hands. 

"I'm so sorry", the young man could barely get the words out. Instantly all the wrongs he had committed over the past years came rushing in. Was it possible? Could he be forgiven? Could he try and start over again? 

"I'm waiting to help you if you want, but you have to let me in" the voice whispered.

Sobbing the man stated out loud, "I'm sorry. I just so sorry. I don't care. I can't do this anymore. Please, please I beg of you God forgive me. Please take all this away. I am so sorry. I will try, I promise. Please make me whole. Make me better. Fix me, I am so broken. Please be my God. I am just so sorry. Please teach me to be better. I am anything but perfect. I know I have made a million mistakes and will make a million more but I can't do this on my own anymore. Please come into my life. I take you as my savior." 

The man could barely pronounce all the words he was sobbing so hard. Feeling emotionally spent he just sat there in a hovel on his couch.

"It's okay, you need to rest now", the voice whispered.

The man turned off the television, laid down and went to sleep. He didn't know where he was going or where he would end up, but for the first time in a long time he wasn't scared because he knew he wasn't alone. 

You Know That Person That Loves To Complain?

Letting go can be hard especially letting go of one’s self can be hard. Most are trained to be spoiled. That can be a tough thing to reverse, especially in this country (US). We are born and people, usually parents tend to our every desire. We are fed, clothed, carried everywhere, when we soil our diapers others change us, and many entertain babies to make sure that they don’t fuss. We get to school age and begin the long process learning that we are not the center of the universe. I hear many comments about, “How this or that should change”, because “THAT’S NOT THE WAY I LIKE IT!” That guy in front of me should speed up or just pull over so I can pass. That person shouldn’t be so greedy cause they took the last piece on sale. Why do I have to PULL UP to the line and have them bring it out TO me? Why can’t I just sit here at the window? I will admit myself guilty so many times of thinking such things. Letting go and having faith that we will get what we need can be a hard thing. God calls us to have faith in him. Like the my child that doesn’t understand why its bad to play video games 24/7 we don’t always understand why God works the way he does.  We think far too micro and can’t see the macro view. I finally got the point where “gave up”. I let go and gave my life to God. My way wasn’t working. I was lucky that I was Baptized long ago and received a good dose of Grace. I decided that I no longer wanted to live a life of slavery trying to eat, drink, consume and attain every desire that I wanted. I let go and gave it all to God. I dove into that faith thing. I was afraid that everything I built would fall apart, and you know what? It did fall apart, but something more beautiful was built in its place. I tended to my faith. I studied and read and worked to be a better Christian. I go to mass regularly and I don’t just show up. I look to learn. When I am mad at the world I stop, pray and love. I have faith in God and he hasn’t let me down. God already has sacrificed so much. He let his son die for you and me and everyone, but we have to accept Jesus. We have to accept him as our savior, follow his ways and become a baptized in the Holy Spirit. God offers us so much, it may not be what we want but it is what we need. We just need to let go and have faith and we will fly, or do you like to sit and complain?

Matthew 8:5-11

5As he entered Caper'na-um, a centurion came forward to him, beseeching him 6and saying, "Lord, my servant is lying paralyzed at home, in terrible distress." 7And he said to him, "I will come and heal him." 8But the centurion answered him, "Lord, I am not worthy to have you come under my roof; but only say the word, and my servant will be healed. 9For I am a man under authority, with soldiers under me; and I say to one, `Go,' and he goes, and to another, `Come,' and he comes, and to my slave, `Do this,' and he does it." 10When Jesus heard him, he marveled, and said to those who followed him, "Truly, I say to you, not even in Israel have I found such faith. 11I tell you, many will come from east and west and sit at table with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven,

Oh, Before You Throw That Thing

Ever have one of those days?  I have, actually I think sometimes that I have my share and a couple of other people’s share too. The days I wake up, loose my glasses, try to get out the door and it takes like an hour cause I keep forgetting things. I’m in a hurry but I need to get gas then I hit all the red lights and all my errands are on opposite sides of town. I get in the store but I left my wallet out in the truck. I get home to realize I didn’t hear my wife right on the cell and I was supposed to bring home lunch, and it just keeps getting better from there. I used to get mad so easily. I would yell and scream and sometimes throw things (and then have to buy new). Prayer comes in so handy. Nothing works better than a little alone time with God. It helps me find clarity when life is confusing. It helps me calm down with life is spinning out of control. Through prayer helps me find answers to problems. When I worry for others I goto prayer and God listens and even sometimes enlightens me on how to help those in need. God is my greatest cheerleader and through prayer he gives me the hope to succeed. Through prayer with God I find my faith strengthened so that I don’t doubt in times of question. I find talking to God through prayer he shows me how my charity can be put into action and where to go to help. Most of all prayer is awesome for asking for forgiveness when I do sin. Confession for me is the most amazing, wonderful, uplifting thing. My favorite place to pray is in my church, but God is everywhere he is at my beckon call 24/7. He doesn’t always do what I want. He says and does what I need. Going to mass I find such peace because it is like one GIANT prayer. I don’t know what I would do without God in my life. I know how it went before. I was lost, constantly trying to feed my needs. I didn’t care about anyone else but myself. I was a slave to vices that I thought defined my life as free. Now I have hope instead of fear. I have faith instead of feeling lost, and I have charity instead of being self-centered. It all started with prayer. God is waiting, he loves you and wants to hear from you. He doesn’t need fancy words. He just wants to hear what is in your heart. He just wants to help you feel whole. He wants you to feel as special as you are. He knows cause he made you. 

Luke 6:12-16

12In these days he went out to the mountain to pray; and all night he continued in prayer to God. 13And when it was day, he called his disciples, and chose from them twelve, whom he named apostles; 14Simon, whom he named Peter, and Andrew his brother, and James and John, and Philip, and Bartholomew, 15and Matthew, and Thomas, and James the son of Alphaeus, and Simon who was called the Zealot, 16and Judas the son of James, and Judas Iscariot, who became a traitor.

Hypocrites Don’t Do The Dishes

“HYPOCRITE!”, man if had a dollar for every time I have heard that phase. I would have a lot of dollars. Mo money, mo problems though, it’s hard cause we are people not machines. God gave us free will, and well, sometimes we do some pretty stupid things. Christians get held to a higher standard, and we should be. A Christian is someone who has taken the Lord Jesus Christ as their personal savior, been baptized in the Holy Spirit, Confirmed a belief and dedication to God and is supposed to be living a life according to the 10 Commandments and the teachings of Jesus. Tall order, like I said that free will and a hungry ego get us into a ton of trouble. When you say you are a Christian people watch, and when you act out of line, fingers go a pointing. I do believe that there are two types of Christians. Which one are you? There are the types that believe and follow God/Jesus/Holy Spirit. They make mistakes but their hearts are in the right place. That’s why we ask for forgiveness and try and do better. Others think of Church as a social club. Yeah, they give to the Church and back to their community but they seem to act as though sometimes it’s a place to hang on Sunday to look like they are good and Monday thru Saturday it is a different story. Being a Christian isn’t a Sunday thing. It’s a 24/7 thing, WOW, I know some of us are parents and we already have one of those jobs. Nice thing about being a Christian 24/7 though is that you can weave it in to everything you already do. Will people at work and in public make fun of you when you pray in public before meals. Maybe, but in all my life I have only had someone tell me to stop, ONCE. Be respectful and don’t make a spectacle and you will be fine. Living a life of prayer is HUGE in becoming a better Christian. It keeps your faith up front and center, making it harder for you to slip. I pray at night, before meals, at work, in the car, everywhere. Next, study, I know some may be are having bad SAT flashbacks with the word “study” but take 5 minutes a day and read passage from the Bible. Its like running, you don’t go out running 10 miles your first day. First you run around the block, then slowly adding more and more. Through this you will not only find your faith getting stronger but that your temptations are easier to battle. No one is perfect, but with God you can overcome anything. You can become an example for the lost and help so much in this world, but first you got get cleaned up and in shape. There is so much to be done and God is waiting to do it with you cause he loves you. Don’t wait, start today.

Luke 11:37-41

37While he was speaking, a Pharisee asked him to dine with him; so he went in and sat at table. 38The Pharisee was astonished to see that he did not first wash before dinner. 39And the Lord said to him, "Now you Pharisees cleanse the outside of the cup and of the dish, but inside you are full of extortion and wickedness. 40You fools! Did not he who made the outside make the inside also? 41But give for alms those things which are within; and behold, everything is clean for you.

Who am I and Who are You?

It took me a long time to figure out who I am. I felt so lost for so long. Make no mistake I knew what I did. And much can be told of a man by what he does. However I was wandering the world aimlessly walking and dealing day by day. It important to know who you are. To find what your purpose is. For if you know who you are you have insight to where you are going, what your call is. Sometimes I think I was just a wandering soul lost with no purpose. For a time I thought I was a musician, a writer but I was just babbling about things that were off the top of my head. Now I have purpose I have vision. I know who I am. I am a sinner trying to sin no more raising children to love, forgive ,work hard and respect. I am someone who toils when it is necessary to feed as many as I can but also who sits, prays and meditates to become better than I was yesterday. I am a Christian who tries to love God with all this heart, mind and soul and tries to love others and when I fall short I ask for forgiveness and try again. I know that Jesus is the son of God. I know this from studying the Bible and through that, my human reason and the gift of faith I believe it to be true. I believe in Jesus because I study his teachings and put them into practice. I have reaped the rewards of my stewardship. I have found peace and love. I have found happiness and community with others and him. I believe that there is a God. For when I open my eyes for the day and see the sky that rains and shines to grow the earth; which yields plants for me to eat and provide oxogen to breath; which gives home to all the creatures of the world I see purpose. I see the design of something beautiful and with each layer I pull back looking inward or outward I see purpose. I see hope and beauty and wonder. With sciences discoveries I do not find doubt, I see my creators ways. In times of conflict, pain and persecution I pray and ask for help and I feel the presence sometime of the Holy Spirit come upon me and aid me in my travels. I am no one special. I am just a soul on a mission to put as much love into the world as possible and to share where that comes from. Its important to know who you are and to know the people around you. I hope you know that Jesus is the son of God. If not encourage you to look with and find out with me. For he is and he is wonderful. The lessons to learn are unending and so is the peace and happiness that awaits, and so I ask, who are you?

Luke 9:18-22

18Now it happened that as he was praying alone the disciples were with him; and he asked them, "Who do the people say that I am?" 19And they answered, "John the Baptist; but others say, Eli'jah; and others, that one of the old prophets has risen." 20And he said to them, "But who do you say that I am?" And Peter answered, "The Christ of God." 21But he charged and commanded them to tell this to no one, 22saying, "The Son of man must suffer many things, and be rejected by the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and on the third day be raised." 

A Thought: Being Stubborn and Learning Something New

I am going to admit that I am a bit stubborn. Everyone who knows me well will attest to this. Now I will say that I am not bullheaded but I am stubborn which means that I can listen to reason it just takes a bit of time. I find this trait helpful when I am on a mission. Being stubborn makes it hard to distract me and move my focus. However one down side is that if I am going somewhere and I am going to be late I just to opt not go sometimes. Too many times I sat in the movie theater wonder what was going on for the whole flick cause I showed up late and missed something and so I feel lost. I hate feeling lost. Problem is showing up late may mean that I am missing out on a little bit but what can be worse is missing out on the whole thing. 

God is kinda like that. He don’t care who you are, where you are from, how much money you have, what you look like, nothing. God doesn’t care about anything about  you. Now this is the part where some of my non believer friends will be like, “oh well I met a so called Christian one time and they treated me like crap!” Dude, straight up right now I will say that I am sorry. To be honest just cause were Christian don’t mean we’re perfect. Christians make mistakes too. So please, I am sorry please forgive us and our shortcomings and give God another shot. You gotta question or want someone to goto Church with ask me. I got your back. God just wants you to show up. It doesn’t matter if you show up on time or 10 years late. He loves you and wants you there.  Jesus teaches God loves us all the same no matter what. All he wants is for you to love him with all your body, mind and soul and to love everyone you meet as you love yourself. Its not always easy, especially in the beginning but trust me you start following the words of Jesus and your life opens up in a way that is special. I have never been so happy in my life. Even when I get down and out and things are terrible I would still rather be a Christian going through pain then how I used to, ALONE and empty.

So don’t worry about what other people say, what you think or how you feel. God loves you and there is a whole bunch of other people out there that want to love you too. So I encourage you to find that nerdy Church freak you know and ask them if you can go to Church with them. Open that Bible and read about what Jesus taught. Come spend some hang time with God cause it only gets better and better. 

Matthew 20:1-16

1"For the kingdom of heaven is like a householder who went out early in the morning to hire laborers for his vineyard. 2After agreeing with the laborers for a denarius a day, he sent them into his vineyard. 3And going out about the third hour he saw others standing idle in the market place; 4and to them he said, `You go into the vineyard too, and whatever is right I will give you.' So they went. 5Going out again about the sixth hour and the ninth hour, he did the same. 6And about the eleventh hour he went out and found others standing; and he said to them, `Why do you stand here idle all day?' 7They said to him, `Because no one has hired us.' He said to them, `You go into the vineyard too.' 8And when evening came, the owner of the vineyard said to his steward, `Call the laborers and pay them their wages, beginning with the last, up to the first.' 9And when those hired about the eleventh hour came, each of them received a denarius. 10Now when the first came, they thought they would receive more; but each of them also received a denarius. 11And on receiving it they grumbled at the householder, 12saying, `These last worked only one hour, and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the day and the scorching heat.' 13But he replied to one of them, `Friend, I am doing you no wrong; did you not agree with me for a denarius? 14Take what belongs to you, and go; I choose to give to this last as I give to you. 15Am I not allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me? Or do you begrudge my generosity?' 16So the last will be first, and the first last."

A Thought: Through a Child’s Eyes

I don’t like sports. I don’t mind playing them but really, I don’t like sports. If a game is on when I go over to someones house I don’t mind and I might watch a bit but I am more of a news guy. I am sure some are thinking, “Yeah baseball is boring”, or “Football is just too violent”, or more likely someone this thinking, “What is your problem?”. I can chuckle at that but the answer is simple its because of my childhood. When I young my father loved sports and still does to this day. I can remember sitting in the living room with him while he watched some event. We only had one T.V. and it was where the family hung out so I was probably in there trying to watch or playing with some toys. All of a sudden and eruption of anger would come out of my father. “What ARE YOU THINKING”, he would rage, “THAT WAS THE WORST CALL IN THE BOOK”. Many a time I can recall him getting upset or excited when his team rode to victory and being so young (I am guessing 3 or so) it startled me and scared me a bit to the point I related sports on TV as something to steer clear of. 

Its amazing how children process things that we take for granted everyday. My children hate the news cause its a bunch of old people talking about boring stuff that they know nothing about. God understands that children are the foundation of a culture, a nation, a world. Children see things so simply and love so honestly. Not clouded by “grey areas” they can find simple solutions to complex answers sometimes. Jesus has taught that he wishes we would love and think like children.

Matthew 18:2-4

…2And He called a child to Himself and set him before them, 3and said, "Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. 4"Whoever then humbles himself as this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.… 

It has been said that before by many a wise person that much can be learned from a child. I learn from mine on a weekly basis. I find true joy in how they digest the world and the things that they say. God just wants us to love him. Loving God is the most important thing. For if we love God then we can accept what teaches and put it into practice. We should love God because he gave us the gift of this world that we live in. We are because of him. Sure there may be discontent and pain in this world but that is because of man’s inability to love freely and pursuing his own desires. What does God want us to do? He wants us to love. That’s it, that’s what it all boils down to. That is what he wants to build the world on, innocent, pure love. 

When you are a child you have to be rather humble. You wait to do much of anything when you are a baby. You eat when fed. You play when let go. Learn as you are taught. As we get older and more independent we loose that humility. We depend more on ourselves and get frustrated when others don’t do what we want. We get mad when we miss that green light at the intersection. How dare it turn red? Doesn’t it know who we are and that we are going somewhere important. I can laugh cause I can recall thinking this many a time. 

If you have children I encourage you to love them with all your might. Forgive them when they do the stupidest things and go back to loving them until it hurts again. We are all God’s children who he loves. He sent his son Jesus to give us the lessons of a lifetime to love God and how to love each other. God is sadden when we make bad decisions and hopes for our quick return to right ways. He is happy for us in our triumphs and cries with us in our sorrows. But no matter what, through it all, he is always waiting at the door waiting for us to return home with arms wide open to give us a big hug. 

Matthew 19:13-15

13Then children were brought to him that he might lay his hands on them and pray. The disciples rebuked the people; 14but Jesus said, "Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them; for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven." 15And he laid his hands on them and went away.

A Thought: Is Your Brain Burning?

I can recall a moment when I was considering becoming a full on hardcore christian. I had been raised in the church but because of my bull-headedness and free will I decided to go it my own way. I was okay for a while but trying to do my own “God thing” didn’t work out so well. I made bad choices and over time slowly wandered off the path to the point that I was so far out into the tall weeds that I had no idea where I was or where I was going. Coming back I wanted to remain low key but the more I studied the more I realized that wasn’t for me. Heading back to a formal Church was overwhelming. Words from my past snapped in front of my face. Rules, rules, rules, its not that I didn’t want to follow them but it was that I didn’t know if I could keep them all in check. Then one day I was reading my Bible and it came to me actually in a verse. 

Mark 12:30

And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’

Mark 12:31

The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”

That pretty much summed it up as I still read today I can hear these words in every lesson that I learn from Jesus. Its my goto in case of doubt in my day. When at a crossroads I think of these words. And like a good leader Jesus led by example. He came and found wonderful men ready to love and spread the word of love. As we read they were not perfect men. There isn’t such a thing but he chose them anyway and taught them, loved them and served them. Eventually Jesus died for us. He came to teach and love to serve us so that we could learn a better way and when the people of the day refused him, they killed him. He could have run away, he could have ascended into heaven but instead he decided to do the most loving thing. He took the blame for all of us, even the ones not born yet and let man kill him. It wasn’t a quick death either he was beaten, spit on, mocked and then he had to lug his own cross across town (which he did eventually get some help) where he was then nailed to his cross and then stabbed in the side. I don’t remember the exact day but when I put together that God just wants us to love him and each other and then he died over it my brain completely fried for a second. I hear people say all the time “God is all about rules and doesn’t want you to have any fun”, no thats not true. God loves you like a parent. Being a parent I can now understand so much. I don’t want my children to get hurt so I make rules to keep them safe. If the break the rules I punish them to let them know that I am serious. I don’t want them to get hurt so I don’t let them jump on the couch. I want them to be happy so I teach them to not do drugs. God gave us free will. He is basically saying, “This is what I want you to do, you can do whatever you want, but if you don’t follow my rules you can’t live in my house.” I have tried living on both sides of the line. I even spent time walking it dipping my toe into either side for a while. I will tell you that all that I gave up to live on God’s side was well worth it. I am full and happy. Do I miss anything? No, but my body does still crave some of that stuff from time to time. Am I perfect? No, I still make some pretty stupid mistakes but God loves me and all I have to do is go to him honestly and say that I am sorry. I ask for forgiveness and he does forgive because he loves. And so thats how I try and walk through the world every day. I try my best to love each and everyone I meet as I love myself. 

John 15:12-17

12"This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. 13Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. 14You are my friends if you do what I command you. 15No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. 16You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide; so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you. 17This I command you, to love one another.

A Thought: Falling On My Face

I remember one time I went to work and I was having a really great day. I was on top of the world and very confident in what I was doing. I thought that I could do no wrong and any troubles that came my way would be no sweat. Then, reality struck, I like being grounded in life. It seems like every time I think I have the world by the tail and I start becoming proud is when I am most likely to fail. I have come to the point where I flex my humility muscle as much as possible. I try and make myself take a step back several times a day. Humility works well for me in so many circumstances. 

When someone asks me for help I act humble and do whatever I can to help. I find it puts them at ease. When they may have been feeling ashamed asking for help they now feel secure that they are not alone.

When I receive praise remaining humble helps me from getting a big head. Its easy to think that you are everything when receiving praise, but basking in the praise to long can alienate you from others. 

I find that humility is the cornerstone of love. Love is putting others before yourself. I find its hard to love well when I am proud of myself because I can get caught in an endless cycle of loving myself instead of others. I also find that them more I love others the more I receive. 

I feel that when I am ashamed I am most easily humbled and I can understand what is truly important. Rather than hiding from my failures I can examine them and learn from them. 

Being humble around others that have made mistakes makes them less defensive. They are more apt to move forward because they don’t have to play in a contest of “defending actions” and can find peace and learn themselves. 

I find being humble in front of my children makes them feel secure when they realize they don’t know everything and are not afraid of admitting when they need help. They learn that a family is not several individuals but a team of people that love each other and put each other before each other.

And most importantly when I humble myself I am open to learn more about the world, the people in it and the sheer magnificence of the world. As I sit back and look at the world and how everything and everyone interplays I find true art. I find true purpose. I find peace because it is designed so well. No matter how man tries to mess it up it still works rather well. There is where I find my belief in God and with the teachings of Jesus I learn how to love. 

Matthew 18:1-5, 10, 12-14

1At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, "Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?" 2And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them, 3and said, "Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4Whoever humbles himself like this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. 5"Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me; 10"See that you do not despise one of these little ones; for I tell you that in heaven their angels always behold the face of my Father who is in heaven. 12What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountains and go in search of the one that went astray? 13And if he finds it, truly, I say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine that never went astray. 14So it is not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish.

A Thought: Does Your Love Blossom or Wither?

I will have to admit that I am terrible at water skiing. The last time I tried to water ski I couldn’t stay on my feet for longer than 3 seconds. Once I did get going crouched down but as soon as I stood up I fell over. I try and try but to no avail I am terrible at water skiing. Its very frustrating, I work on it everyday and I don’t know what the problem is. Some suggest that it is that I don’t own a pair of ski let alone have a boat or ever get out in the water. 

You can laugh it is meant to be funny, but that’s how I see so many people anymore. They are so frustrated that their lives are as full as they like. Try as they do the relationships that they try and maintain grow harsh and unfulfilling. Its like trying to grow a plant without dirt, let alone water and fertilizer. My first and foremost relationship that I work on is the one I have with God. Why? Because he teaches me how to love. Through loving God, listening to Jesus’s teaching on love and following his commandments I find my other relationships blossom beautifully. Loving is an easy thing to do but not always our first instinct. Loving the way that God wants us too is not always fair, and that can be difficult especially in this day and age. Forgiveness is love, it is rooted out of love. We are all human, we all make mistakes, some of which are very silly or stupid. I have never been forgiven and felt unloved. If you love someone and they make a mistake forgive them. If you don’t that pain will rest inside your heart and it will grow and take over. Before long the list of resentments will slowly overtake love in the garden of your heart and it will be rife with weeds of anger, resentment will start to blossom deceit. In and time when we are told things should be “even” and “fair” God wants us to forgive. Love and wash away the pain that someone brought you. You may feel shortchanged in the short-term  but it if you can truly forgive then you will be healthier in the long run. Let God’s love and ways be your center and you will see your life grow in ways you could have never imagined or you can hold on to anger and keep things fair. God loves you and wants you to be happy and he knows that will blossom out of love. My parents always told me that life is not fair and it is so true. You have to learn to let go though of the unfairness and love otherwise the weight of the resentment will hold you back. You will not grow. You will not be happy and if left unchecked  the root of your life, your heart, will die and wither like a plant taken from the soil of God, the sun of Jesus and the water of the Holy Spirit. God gives us free will. He lets you choose what you want. I ask you, what do you want?

John 15:4-10

4Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. 5I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in me, and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. 6If a man does not abide in me, he is cast forth as a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire and burned. 7If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you will, and it shall be done for you. 8By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit, and so prove to be my disciples. 9As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you; abide in my love. 10If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. 

A Thought: What We Choose Not to See

It can be very frustrating being a father. I love my children literally to death. I can’t ever imagine a day before my passing that I will not love them. I try my best every single day to teach them about the world so that they can have a wonderful life and steer clear of the pitfalls. Though being young and stubborn like their father they make some pretty dumb mistakes sometimes, like their father. I get angry but bite my tongue. Some lessons I guess need to be learned first person, or I still have a ways to go teaching my children, probably the latter. Often I speak to them about the world and try and teach them something and many times I get the eye roll look of, “I know I know don’t do that cause it will lead to such and such”. I would imagine that is how God feels sometimes. He knows all the secrets to life. He knows how things will play out even before they begin. He has done his best to teach us. He even sent his son with lessons in person. We are given the Holy Spirit to help guide us on our way, but still we seem to ignore him. Sometimes we don’t think and others we just ignore thinking crazily that this time that thing that never works out will be different. All the while he is right in front of our face lovingly patient waiting to help.

Matthew 13:54-58

54and coming to his own country he taught them in their synagogue, so that they were astonished, and said, "Where did this man get this wisdom and these mighty works? 55Is not this the carpenter's son? Is not his mother called Mary? And are not his brothers James and Joseph and Simon and Judas? 56And are not all his sisters with us? Where then did this man get all this?" 57And they took offense at him. But Jesus said to them, "A prophet is not without honor except in his own country and in his own house." 58And he did not do many mighty works there, because of their unbelief.

A Thought: The Hidden Treasure

When I was a child I was REALLY into radio controlled cars. I wanted to collect them, race them and build them. It was really meaningful for me to be such a young age, be able to build something and then watch it go. The first one that my father got me was good but all the fun was taken out of it cause it was already put together and you couldn’t modify it at all. I worked and worked and saved up the money and bought my first one that I would have to build on my own. Also being a child I didn’t have a good sense of what was important. After several days of coming home finding me not having my chores done my father took away that car. He had it built by someone else and then it sat, for me to see everyday. After years and years I finally got that car and just recently I got it running. That first time around the yard I felt like I was 10 yrs old again. The joy and glee I felt was something special. As I have gotten older I have not only learned the importance of getting work done on time but also what is really important in life. I am very thankful that I have God in my life. He is there at every turn. When things are good, bad and in between he is there. He gave the most amazing gift ever when he sent his son down to earth. The lessons on how to love have changed my life. I feel whole and my life is much better off. I have learned how to forgive others and myself. The baggage that I used to walk around with is no longer there. I can see now the danger signs of bad decisions coming down the road. Do I always make the right ones? No, I am human and I am flawed and I have learned to admit my mistakes and ask for forgiveness from people I hurt and God. I now have the tools to teach my children so that hopefully they don’t make the same mistakes that I have. If they do, then they will know that they are not alone either. The gifts that God has given me are priceless and they are free. I think about my life before and what I had in comparison to now. I am so very grateful, I would have done anything to get where I am now. All I had to do though was to stop, pray, read, meditate and then repeat. I didn’t have to work and toil. I didn’t have to save up a ton of money. I would have done either to receive the peace and happiness that I now have, but I didn’t have to God already loved me and wanted to help me. He is waiting for you to, all you have to do is talk to him and ask him to come into your life. Read the stories of Jesus and his teachings, put them into practice and feel your life slowly change for the better. Its your choice, you can do whatever you want. This is what I chose and it is wonderful.

Matthew 13:44-46

44"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up; then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field. 45"Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant in search of fine pearls, 46who, on finding one pearl of great value, went and sold all that he had and bought it. 

A Thought: Living in a Miracle

It seems that the world doesn’t believe much in miracles anymore. Some have given up or dismissed the idea that the earth, all on it and all surrounding it was made with purpose. With so many “facts” and notions of how the world works and what it is the mystery of the gift seems to get lost in the shuffle. I look at the world and I see how everything has its place. Plants give us oxygen to breath and we give them carbon dioxide to breath. Birds live in the trees and eat insects to keep population down. The insects are here to work on breaking down the “garbage” so that it can be recycled back into the earth. Everything has its purpose. Each time I think that I have found something that doesn’t give back I study and, yep, it has its place. Humans at the top of the food chain, or rather out of it command this wonderful gift called earth. A place to live and therefore it is our job to take care of it. I maybe a hokey ignoramus but I find a miracle in this. I know that it is easy to read the Bible and all the miracles that it speaks of and wonder, “Why doesn’t anything like that happen now?” Fact of them matter it does, you just have to look for it. Part of the problem is that people don’t really believe in miracles anymore so we don’t call them for what they are when we see them. I believe in them and have seen them many times. I believe and I have faith in God and the world around me. I love and try to understand and learn. I study the lessons of Jesus. I don’t always understand why God my father does things the way he does but I have faith in his ways. My sons don’t understand why I don’t want them to play video games 24/7 but there is purpose to it. I know that asking God for miracles could be a bit trying on him. Have you ever had someone ask you to prove that you love them. I have, I did, but it wasn’t enough. They kept asking and asking for me to prove it. I don’t know if it was the proof that they wanted or the acts I completed for my proof that they wanted. I would imagine God feels like that sometimes. He has already done so much. I look out my window and walk through my world and I feel so grateful. What does God want in return? Love, appreciation and worship is what he wants in return. Love him and everything else he made. Show appreciation and take care of what he has given us and worship him to show thanks for all he has done. For me faith is the corner stone for all of this and I know that God will take care of me in good times and bad.

John 11:19-27

19and many of the Jews had come to Martha and Mary to console them concerning their brother. 20When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went and met him, while Mary sat in the house. 21Martha said to Jesus, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. 22And even now I know that whatever you ask from God, God will give you." 23Jesus said to her, "Your brother will rise again." 24Martha said to him, "I know that he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day." 25Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, 26and whoever lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?" 27She said to him, "Yes, Lord; I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, he who is coming into the world."

A Thought: Getting Pulled On

I could not believe being surrounded by people all the time. I see famous people getting crowded with people swarming them and taking pictures. I hear reports on the news from time to time about famous people getting grabbed at and pulled on. I could imagine having someone pulling on my clothes as I walked down the street, but I guess that is how things go. People seem to have a hole inside them and try and fill it to feel whole. Unfortunately some fill it with the wrong things. Hate, money, lust, drugs and or alcohol are a few of the things that people fill their life with. I have chosen to fill my life with love. Its not always easy for me to do sometimes my “flesh” my “body” wants to do other things but they are just an empty vessel that never seems to satisfy. Money, never enough, sex and alcohol the same. Insanity is described as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Filling that hole with the wrong thing day in and day out seems like insanity to me because it never gets filled with those things. 

So even though he traveled everywhere by foot with no shield from the weather Jesus took the time to teach the lesson of love because he was love. All God really wants is for us to love him instead of all other “gods” and to love each other and we love ourselves. Some will listen and spread this “love” to others. For others love will be quickly taken away or lost altogether for a lack of faith and/or persuasion. Though we may make mistakes God still loves us and welcomes us to him. 

Matthew 13:1-9

1That same day Jesus went out of the house and sat beside the sea. 2And great crowds gathered about him, so that he got into a boat and sat there; and the whole crowd stood on the beach. 3And he told them many things in parables, saying: "A sower went out to sow. 4And as he sowed, some seeds fell along the path, and the birds came and devoured them. 5Other seeds fell on rocky ground, where they had not much soil, and immediately they sprang up, since they had no depth of soil, 6but when the sun rose they were scorched; and since they had no root they withered away. 7Other seeds fell upon thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked them. 8Other seeds fell on good soil and brought forth grain, some a hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty. 9He who has ears, let him hear." 

A Thought: On A Journey

“On a Journey”

I laugh at myself sometimes in this world with the internet and instant access to people all over the world and information that I feel afraid sometime to talk to others. I guess it might be because of a life filled with rejection, and I negatively feel that is a reflection on me and my worth. We are all worthy and all beautiful. I know that these are words that have come out of many an after school special but it is true and needs to be repeated from time to time. I could not imagine walking out the door with nothing. Just walking down the road speaking to whomever I met about my love for God and what it means to love, forgive and repent. I hear so many stories that have the words, “Oh, yeah and then they knocked on my door and tried to talk to me about God stuff. Why can’t they just stay home?” I can’t imagine going on said journey with no money, food or even a change of clothes, but that’s what the disciples did. They just went out there and met, talked and loved people they didn’t know. Anymore when I talk about God and Jesus’s teachings a great peace comes over me. Do people want to hear what I have to say? Probably not all the time and I have gotten some rather strange looks, but I don’t really care. I think people though trying at times are wonderful. I see uniqueness in everyone I meet. Do I agree with everyone? No, but I still love and respect them. Even the ones that call me names to my face or disappear off the face of the planet when they find out I am one of those “God Freaks”!  I try very hard to not offend anyone but I do stand and speak for what I believe in. Its not always easy but I feel I have received a great gift. I have a great peace inside of me. Studying Jesus and his teachings has been a real eye opener for me. To learn how to love everyone as they are has been challenging and very rewarding. I feel wonderful that God loves me know and also when I act like an idiot. I will scream it at the top of my lungs. 

I AM NOT PERFECT, I MESS UP A LOT AND I MAKE MISTAKES ALL THE TIME. 

I just ask for forgiveness and try to move on learn and become a better person each and everyday. So, in a way I am on a journey though mine is a lot more comfortable than the disciples but I give when I can to those in need. I share what I know and love as much as I possibly can to try and make this world a better place. One day I will get where I am going and I just hope that when I turn around and look back I see a trail of good deeds behind me, not for my sake though, but for everyone else’s. I have been taught to share the knowledge of the wonderful gift I have received and I try every day.

Luke 9:1-6

1And he called the twelve together and gave them power and authority over all demons and to cure diseases, 2and he sent them out to preach the kingdom of God and to heal. 3And he said to them, "Take nothing for your journey, no staff, nor bag, nor bread, nor money; and do not have two tunics. 4And whatever house you enter, stay there, and from there depart. 5And wherever they do not receive you, when you leave that town shake off the dust from your feet as a testimony against them." 6And they departed and went through the villages, preaching the gospel and healing everywhere.

A Thought: Going Home

I like to travel as much as the next guy. It just really hits my soul when I finally get back home in my own bed and back into my regular routine. Home is familiar and safe, or at least it is supposed to be. I have had times in my life when “home”, the place I slept was a nightmare. All I could do was keep my eyes and ears open for danger, look for a way out. It was a time in my life when I very rarely prayed and my prayers were always like, “Oh God please get me out of this one and I promise I will never do anything this stupid again.” Sound familiar? I hope not. 

It wasn’t till I took a long hard look at my life, slapped myself in the face and sat down and prayed for forgiveness that things started to get better. Many times I have seen that stuff with “W.W.J.D.” (What Would Jesus Do) on it. I would just scoff at it. Till the day that I realized things needed changed. Every day I had spent every waking hour trying to find things that would just make me “feel good” cause I felt so terrible on the inside. I didn’t turn to God in one second and SHAZAM everything was all better. It was a journey, and with each second that I took time to learn what Jesus would do things got better. After, I started following Jesus’s example of love, love, love, forgive, love, forgive myself, love love love. I found the more that I loved and gave and stopped thinking of myself but of others the more whole I began to feel. The more I gave the more came back to me. 

My life isn’t perfect. I am not perfect. I still make some pretty dumb mistakes once in a while but I love so I ask for forgiveness with true honesty to those I hurt and to God. So I have found a home, in God through Jesus and I feel at home in Church and I do my best to take it with me everywhere so I can have that feeling of home wherever I go, because for me, its where I belong.

Luke 2:41-51

41Now his parents went to Jerusalem every year at the feast of the Passover. 42And when he was twelve years old, they went up according to custom; 43and when the feast was ended, as they were returning, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem. His parents did not know it, 44but supposing him to be in the company they went a day's journey, and they sought him among their kinsfolk and acquaintances; 45and when they did not find him, they returned to Jerusalem, seeking him. 46After three days they found him in the temple, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions; 47and all who heard him were amazed at his understanding and his answers. 48And when they saw him they were astonished; and his mother said to him, "Son, why have you treated us so? Behold, your father and I have been looking for you anxiously." 49And he said to them, "How is it that you sought me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father's house?" 50And they did not understand the saying which he spoke to them. 51And he went down with them and came to Nazareth, and was obedient to them; and his mother kept all these things in her heart.

A Thought: Overthinking

I would have to admit that I am one that think too much. Maybe that is in my nature because I am an artist and with my art many times I dive deep into my own psyche during creation. I like to look at things, tear them apart in my mind and then put them back together. For all my thinking though, it is sometimes so easy to look past the easiest things. God keeps it simple, all he wants it for you to love him with all your heart, mind and soul and to love others like you would like to be loved. 

That’s it, thats the nitty gritty of it, can that be hard sometimes to do? Yes, but I accept that it is because I am flawed. After I go through the drive through and they get my order wrong and it too late to go back cause I am running late and I get stuck behind the slow person in the left hand lane, and I keep getting urgent texts from my wife to call immediately while I have food I don’t want in my hand it can be hard to walk into life and treat people with kindness. I learn to do so from Jesus. I find a lot of lessons on loving in the new testament from him. When I heed those teachings I find that my life slows down and things come into focus. When I love as he teaches and give, give, give and serve, serve, serve I get overwhelmed with peace. Its easy to get mad and gripe on everyone cause you are having a bad day, but rather than leaving a clear cut forest in my wake I try and plant seeds that grow into might trees that shade me from the days hot glaring sun. That is what Gods love is to me.

I wouldn’t have known Jesus if it hadn’t been for God, because after all God sent him here. I know more about God and the Love and patience he has because of Jesus. Without studying Jesus I can see how some think God is all fire and brimstone. I know now and I know better and having that as my example in life has been and still is so helpful everyday. So no when I find myself in situations where I am just not getting ahead and I just want to keep punishing myself working at “it” I stop, bow my head and take a deep breath. I say the lords prayer and ask for help. I know that may seem hokey to those that are not used to doing such actions. In it I find calm and focus. Is my life without problems? No. Am I a perfect man? No. I do stupid stuff just about everyday but I ask for forgiveness and trod on and try and not make the same mistakes again. I have lived with God in my life and on my own, and I find having God on the inside of my life it a lot more peaceful.

Matthew 11:25-30

25 At that time Jesus declared, "I thank thee, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that thou hast hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to babes; 26 yea, Father, for such was thy gracious will. 27All things have been delivered to me by my Father; and no one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and any one to whom the Son chooses to reveal him. 28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

A Poem: The Whisper

The Whisper

Heading into the clouds I see the thought 

Gliding beside me it is warm

I roll to my back

The air rolls through my fingers

The sun on my face

Only the clouds make me pause

Whispering the thought calls to me

It has purpose

It wants love

It wishes to bloom

It throws the idea of a brighter day to the horizon

For all the screams for peace so many keep their head down 

Looking at their shoes people shuffle

Yearning, wanting and waiting

Like rain falling in reverse their pleas rise

All heard, none forgot

Loving patient eyes unfold concern

The hand opens in the sky

Like a light dusting whispers again roll out

Ideas without a home waiting to be nurtured

Waiting to be loved

Waiting to blossom

Too many frown though

Too many fear

Uncertainty becomes the shackles for humanity all too often 

Still the wise man waits

He has hope for he lost

Patiently he whispers softly

It's time to go home

It time to grow

It is time to blossom and turn the earth anew 

A Poem: Summer Harvest

"Summer Harvest"

 

 

The hobby horse is broken

Dust is just bout on everything

Dizzy still my eyes are looking

Trying to make sense of the scene

Thought I heard some drops of rain

Turned out the old man is dueling

Flower blossoms on the ranger

His knives are sharp and glowing

Running quickly is the rabbit

H's hanging on for the line

He's running for that finish line

Too bad he's out of time

Soft faces and their dimples

Don't know the cold hard deal

A new crop of daisies in the field

A new herd of pigs want to be fed

The sun has lit the horizon

The breeze slides through our fingers

The view is open now for miles

And everyone can see the line

Everyone can hear the scream

But the cattle just keep eating

They all seem so so ignorant

That the bell rings it's dinner time

But the cattle wont be eating

Their weight has come full to bear

Its time to go to market

The summer harvest is now here

A Poem: Question in the Mind

Question in the Mind

In the room in a dream?

Living the new reality

My feet are falling my eyes arise

I walk its quiet all the time

Lips are moving my eyes bleed

Clouds are dancing on the breeze

Do you hear it can you listen?

Another broken man has fallen

The ties that bind around you neck

You are a slave do not misstep

Walk in a pair walk with a guide

See fake detours for devils pride

Getting louder fall within

Beg for strength, rise again

The words aren’t yours just left on loan

Will you repay? reap what you sew

Another man smiles today

Holding true he has his pay

Ever question ever earn?

A steep reward for whats absurd