Love and Insperation pt 2
No is an amazing word. I have been very fortunate to conceive and bring two boys into this world. It seems as thought that they appear from nothing. In a blink of an eye their facial expressions show that they recognize their parents. The next thing you know they are babbling then crawling and trying to do things that everyone else is doing. Especially if they have siblings. If their big brother or sister is doing something they want to be doing it as we. Before I knew it my baby boy was trying to get into things he wasn’t supposed to The good, mild mannered easy to deal with baby had soon grown into a curious and mischievous toddler. I will never forget the first time I had to tell one of my children “no”. It can be very cute. My youngest now, Theodore, pulled out all the stops. At first he just had this smiling wide eyed look on his face. He had found the receiver cord on the LAN line phone.
“No,” this time I said it more firm. A boggled looking came over his face. He paused, looked at the cord then at me and pulled again.
“No,” I was trying very hard not to smile because I knew what was coming. I didn’t put on a scowling face but one that was merely sincere. He looked at the cord, then my and and then my face.
“No honey, no no” all of a sudden his eyes watered up and his little bottom lip popped out. Again he tugged at the cord.
“No no honey ouchie”, I replied. Without even looking at me all his baby raged poured out. He began crying and sobbing. The idea that he could not have what he wanted was the end of the world. I picked him up to console him and let him know that the world was not actually coming to an end. After about one minute and leaving a wet spot ton my shoulder the size of Lake Michigan he calmed down. I set him down and he eyed the forbidden cord. He started to reach for it.
“ No no”, I told him. He looked at me bottom lip stuck out a smidge, then he turned and crawled away. No doubt to look for something that he just had to have out of my sight (so he thought) so that I could not stop him.
No is a very powerful word. Unfortunately no other though like with so many things in life it can be easily overused. Just like spices with cooking sometimes a little bit can go a long way. I remember ties when I was a college student. I would be living on my own for one of the first times in my life. Maybe I was a little homesick or maybe I just wanted to prove to myself that I was all grown up. Probably it was a little bit of both but I decided to make on of my mothers entree’s. It wold be one of my favorites so I knew exactly how it was supposed to taste. Now my mother was wise enough and kind enough to show me a few things before I moved out of the house. She taught me how to cook clean and do my own laundry. SI knew how to make some of my favorite dishes. I went to the store and bought al the appropriate ingredients. I went home and did everything as I was supposed to and the dish came out to perfection. Just as I remembered it to be. It was almost as if I was back home when my eyes were closed. However I can easily recall a time or two that I decided to “experiment,” and well lets just say those meals were less than wonderful. I can recall a time that I got rather liberal with my use of salt. After my first bite ,I, for some reason needed to chug nearly a gallon of water immediately. That is how I learned though. Start with a principle that is known to work, experiment with caution , and dial things back if I start to go to far.
I have found that parenting is much the same way. My blue print is my parents. Whenever I hit new territory with my children I refer to what my parents did in a similar situation with me. Then depending on the situation I tweak what I do to appropriately adjust to the situation at hand. I am in such great awe of the power that parents have. It is my belief that if you truly want to change the world then have children. People have moved this world in such dramatic ways. People and their habits and attitudes also can do a wonderful job of maintaining a status quo. Children are the future of any society and how we choose to raise them will have a dramatic influence. Now mind you that I do not believe that everything bad or good is because of a parents direct involvement. However it can have a lot to do with a path that a child takes. The trouble is that children are not robots. If al children were the same then a universal formula could be developed for raising them and we could have a utopian society in a few generations. Just like with cooking there are so many variables. You could use the right spice at the right amount but the brand of spice can have an affect. Everything from the water to cooking utensils, type of stove or oven used can have an effect on the final product. It is very interesting to me how one child can act a certain way with on grown adult the act completely the opposite around someone else. That is why “no,” is such a tricky word to use. While it can serve as a great warning, used too much it can stunt the spirit.
Being a parent is a wonderful thing. It is not for everyone, but I feel very lucky that I have had the opportunity to experience it. Parenthood has opened up a world and give me a perspective that has radically changed me for the better. I guess part of me somewhere deep down in my gut knew that I could be a parent but I went through a large period of my life feeling the opposite. When I took my first few steps everything was so foreign, then slowly things became more familiar. As my children began to get older two things happened. The first was that I began to remember parts of my childhood long gone and forgotten. The second was that I slowly found myself morphing into my parents. I started saying and doing thing that my parents once did. On the one hand it was very reassuring. I feel that I have been very lucky growing up when, where, and with whom I did. On the other hand I was frightened. I love my children very much. I once told my stepson that if I had to I would cut out my own heart to keep him alive without hesitation. As lucky as I was though there were mistakes in my past that I had made. I did not want my children to make the same mistakes. I had also lived with a certain amount of pain and anguish, something I didn’t want them to experience either. So in an effort to try and give my children a life I did not have I decided to go digging. The deeper I dug the more I learned. I got to some depths that were rather sad and I stirred up thin inside me that were not fun at all. Though once I dealt with my past and its demons. I found a great deal of knowledge. It is with this knowledge I feel I can better help my children and have a life better than I have had. Hopefully it will not end with them either. I hope that they will pass these lessons on and improve with them for generations to come.
Freedom is a wonderful thing. As an artist I revel in the fact that my creations are only held back by the limits of my own mind. ANything is truly possible in ones own mind. Sometimes I look at infants with a bit of awe and a little bit of jealousy. While physically they are encumbered and rely on their guardians for so much their minds are completely free. They know nothing and being a clean slate perspectives they have about life, I think, must be truly amazing. I find it interesting when someone is transplanted into a new culture. What’s especially interesting is when they feel that they have the freedom to openly comment about it. As adults we are required to be polite and politically correct. Its quite refreshing to hear a child’s point of view. Many of the things that they jump out at them can be so taken for granted that they are over looked by adults. I have seen many a child whose curiosity hold no bounds. Many trot off on a daily adventure to explore their world. I have always found delight wen I catch one of my boys mesmerized digging in a bucket of bolts exploring all the cracks and crannies at the bottom of a tree trunk.
I try to give my children as much freedom as possible. Now I write this with a smirk on my face because it has led to some interesting scenarios. A lot of my childhood was highly regulated. I understand that my parents love me very much. That in combination with the fact that I was there one and only meant that I had their complete and undivided attention. I got away with nothing. Well, okay, I got away with something , but not very much at all. With my children I keep a close mindful eye and only intervene when absolutely necessary. I am sure that they’re are some of you out there that wonder if my house runs amuck. I can assure you that it doesn’t, and if you would ask my boys about my parenting style they would say that I have my days when I am a tyrant.
The idea though is to let them have the freedom to learn and make their own mistakes It seems like now in certain parts of our culture it is bad to make a mistake. Yes, if you fall to peer pressure and decide to sneak out after curfew and drink alcohol that is a mistake and bd. Just so long as the guardian has done their job teaching so is wrong. However deciding not to study hard for a Social Studies test is a mistake is not bad. Making that study style of lack there of a habit is bad. Mistakes are important because they have to be made and mostly importantly they need to be learned from.
Imagine being frozen, unable to move. Then you get an itch on the end of your nose but you cant move. I rarely get frozen but I have gotten that itching sensation. It usually happens when I have three bags of groceries in one hand and the baby in the baby seat in the other hand I am standing in mud waiting for my wife to pull up with the fan so I cant move. All I can do is patiently wait. I fear that there are too many of us that feel like they are in a similar situation. Only instead of having real obstacles they are ones festering in the mind. I myself was so scared of making a mistake or being wrong that I would not make decisions at all. If I did manage to make a decision many times I would hide it in fear of being wrong. It was so crippling and so unnecessary. As an artist it was very problematic. Everything in art is subjective. There is no wrong or right way , but when you are locked into mentality of needing approval, needing to be told you are right , it is agonizing. There are some thins so tortuous in life that I would never wish them on anyone. Self doubt, lack of confidence, and low self esteem are three things I would wish on no one.
When did it all begin for me? I don’t know, it wasn’t as if I was fine on day and then had a tragic incident that changed my outlook. More than likely it was probably a slow change that occurred over time. Not that it really needs to be said but confidence is key in life, its almost as valuable as the air we breath. If you really want to boost someone’s confidence then show them some love. I am sure that some of you right now have visions of hippies and Hare Krishna dancing around tossing flower petals in the air. Thats not exactly what I had in mind but the sight would probably bring a smile to many a person’s face if seen out of the blue. With a smile ones happiness which can relive stress so if that’s your thing than by all means have fun. What I am speaking about though is caring for someone. As I spoke before the easiest way to spread some love around is to smile, look people in the eye and say hello.
As much as I am though for random acts of kindness, the easiest place to start is at home. I have found with experience That if I go about my day looking my children in the eye a smiling and speaking in a loving tone will make the day great. When I look them in the eye and smile it most likely turns their face into a mirror. I see a smile shot right back at me. My four year old is probably the most famous for this. I will see him walking in the house headed toward his next mission. I will intentionally lock eyes with him and smile just as big as I can. Immediately it seems as if he starts to radiate. I know that when he is smiling and in a good mood he is ready to take on a challenge. He can do anything or at least he thinks so. It seems like a natural reaction When I have confidence in what I am doing I just go. There is no second guessing. Even if I am doing something for the first time. If I believe I can succeed I usually do, and if I don’t I will not stop untill I do. Children get their confidence from their parents. If I tell my children that I believe in them, that they can do something, its like giving them a pair of wings. I can recall one day that I had not too long ago. It wasn’t terrible, it was just trying. Nothing was going wrong it just wasn’t going as planned. At one point I walked into the toy room and it was trashed. There was no doubt my four year old Walter had some fun in there. It was going to be time to leave in a while and this was a big mess. I called Walter in and told him to pick up the room. I walked past about fifteen to twenty minutes later and saw no real visible difference. Now this was disappointing because both Walter and I know how good Walter is at picking up.
“What are you doing in here Walter? Come on lets go. Get this room picked up.”, I said
For a brief moment I felt a little bad. Walter if four, but he also knows to follow directions about fifteen minute after that I passed by and Walter looked at me with his, “Uh oh,” look on his face. The room was immaculate. It was as if hurricane Walter ad never passed through. I was in complete shock and how quickly he go the room that clean.
“Wow!”, I exclaimed, “This is amazing. Great job Walter!”
Immediately his “Uh oh” face melted away and a smile grew from ear to ear.
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